ten years ago yesterday...about 11pm... i took a train i normally wouldn't take on my way home from work...as i stepped out of a cab i distinctly remember looking up at the twin towers...the cab had pulled up right below them...i remember taking a deep breath and feeling amazed by their height and beauty even though i had been there many times before...i remember being very present in those few seconds at the end of a long day...

ten years ago today...at about 11am...i took a long walk to catch a ferry i had never taken before on my way home from work...as i headed across the city towards the river, i distinctly remember the crowds of people filling the sidewalks and the streets all just trying to get home...all walking seemingly in silence...i remember occasionally a parked car with its windows down and radio on full blast broadcasting the news...i remember lines at the telephone booths because no one was able to get reception on their cell phones...i remember for me no fear or sadness yet, just a yearning to be home...i remember feeling amazed at the realization that manhattan really is an island and that islands aren't always easy to leave especially when all the bridges, tunnels and trains have been shut down...i remember looking far down the street seeing open sky where there should have been buildings...i remember waiting in line for the ferry feeling the hot sun burning my neck and shoulders...i remember finally reaching someone to let my husband know i was ok and trying to get home...i remember finding a seat outside on the ferry deck and looking out across the river seeing thick, dark smoke where the towers should have been...i remember i wished i would have sat inside...i remember a hazmat station and ambulances where the ferry docked in nj waiting to decontaminate and aid people that had come from the world trade center....i remember no one was being helped and knowing it was because not many had made it out...i remember seeing the small car we were all going to have to squeeze into... i remember sitting in the back seat on someone's lap...i remember the stranger in a suit that we offered a ride to also sitting on someone's lap... i remember the driver speeding down the turnpike looking back in his mirrors like we were escaping from somewhere...i remember thinking i hope i didn't die in a car crash...i remember being dropped off and walking the rest of the way home...i remember being very present in those first few seconds when the tears finally came...

i stayed home for a few days...watching the news...i remember getting onto a bus that would normally be full and seeing only one other woman plus the driver...i remember riding until we reached the last stop before the highway...i remember apologizing to them as i got off the bus...i remember walking back home...crying the whole way...

i remember the thousands of missing posters that families had hung throughout the city in hopes that they would be reunited with their loved ones...i remember trying to say a prayer each time i saw one...i remember crying when i saw a fire truck for the first time as they raced down the street to do their job... i remember other people on the corner having tears in their eyes too...i remember standing at a makeshift memorial in front of a firehouse with a random group of strangers feeling an odd comfort in knowing that all of us were having the exact same thought at the exact same time...

ten years ago...some things you can never forget...